How I Took My Power Back

I grew up in a suburb of the capital city. 

My mom was a beautiful, generous, and loving woman. Our house was always perfectly clean, and our garden was well maintained.  

I remember my mom crying a lot, rarely laughing, or happy. 

Before my mom got married and had me and my three sisters, she had a career as an aerospace engineer, and she was a top athlete at track and field. 

She mostly just served us and my father. 

She was preoccupied by my father’s demands and by the demands of having four children. I rarely saw her doing anything for herself.  

My mom had Multiple Sclerosis. 

When I was ten years old and my youngest sister was born, my mom’s medical condition worsened and by twelve she was wheelchair bound.  

I was the second oldest, so I took care of my mom. 

I cooked for the family and took care of all the necessities. 

It seemed as if my father was never happy and was always yelling at me. 

He also was always yelling at my mom. But unlike me he would often hit her. My father wasn’t happy that he had only daughters and reminded us of this often. He wanted a son. But some days he was calm and used nice words to ensure us of his love for us.  

I never saw my mom stand up for herself and she never left my father.  

My mom died when I was seventeen. 

Shortly after my mom died I became one of the top marathon runners in the nation. I would run and imagine that my mom was proud of me. 

My sisters and I left the house as soon as we could. 

My oldest sister left after my mom died, got married, and had a child at twenty. I left at nineteen after graduating from trade school to go to England as a nanny. My younger sister left at eighteen to Belgium to be a nanny, and my youngest sister left at fifteen to go to boarding school.

After two years abroad, I returned to my country and I worked as a sales director at a hotel. Then I got married and had twin daughters. 

I left my career to become a stay at home mom, raising my twin daughters and running the household, without much help from my husband. 

I followed his lead, his ideas, I accommodated all his wishes. I noticed I withdrew from my friends, from my running, and from my habits. 

My husband received an offer to work as a computer engineer in Colorado. We both agreed to relocate.  It was an opportunity to earn a better income and give our children the opportunity to learn English and experiencing a different culture.  

The twins were four at the time we relocated, and we agreed to return home in two years. I had a non-working visa; I was a stay at home mom again.  

When my twins were starting the first grade, I asked my husband if it was time to go back to our home. His answer was “If you wish to go, take one girl, and leave one here with me.”  

I recognized something was wrong with this argument, but said and did nothing.  I was scared and was fully dependent on him. Our marriage was not doing well. We went to marriage counseling for a while. 

My husband promised he would change. 

He said that he would give me the appreciation and  attention I was missing. He said  he would listen to me and appreciate my ideas.  

I trusted him again and believed that everything would be nice and loving again. As a celebration of the counseling and the new beginning we decided to have a baby. 

My son was born in Colorado, when my twins were nine and a half. I was shocked when I found out that my son was born with spina bifida, a birth defect that affects the spine and one’s mobility.  

This reality and many more episodes and endless conflicts within our marriage gave me the power to leave and go back to my country and take care of my son. But I was not able to take my twins with me. 

Endless court hearings, intense physical therapy for my son, the loss of my marriage, career, and myself devastated me.

I recovered with the support of professionals, my siblings and extended family. I had my twins with me for their fifth and seven grades in Europe and visited them in Colorado when they attended school there. 

My son was doing so well. When he was ten, he was walking, and I was a strong and confident mother to him. I relocated back to Colorado.  

I thought I was well and that my son was too - but my son started to be suicidal,. Meanwhile, my former husband continued to file countless court motions against me. 

I was thrilled to find out about the ARCS online course from my former roommate. 

All that I am learning in the course, I have lived. 

All the steps, all the manipulation, and all the drama I was able to recognize and have continued to heal through this course. I see things, and I pay attention to myself in a way I never did before. 

I am learning how to take care of myself, how to set up limits and boundaries, how to ask for help. 

I learning how to recognize dangerous situations and unhealthy relationships and not join them. I am modeling a new, healthy way and I see the results with my children and my ex-husband. 

My twins visit me more often and communicate with me more. 

My former husband continues to file more court papers, but I am not afraid.

Support from ARCS is huge to me. Today, I have the calm confidence to advocate for my son and for me.

I learned from this course and the women in my class that it is not our fault that we were abused, but it is our responsibility to be healed. 

Our parents and significant others could give us only what they have. The rest, who we choose to be, whom we choose to be with, what we will do, and follow is in our competency. 

The program is amazing, and I would recommend it to all who like myself were raised in an unhealthy dysfunctional family and/or in a difficult or abusive relationship.